Embarrassing Moment of the Day

My life is one big embarrassing moment after the next. I like to tell myself that I do it for the sake of comedy, but sometimes things just slip out of my mouth. Perhaps I just have so much practice saying ridiculous things for the sake of a laugh that when it's time to just be normal, I'm already conditioned to be ridiculous.

Moving on...

I went to Smith's with some friends tonight to grab some "stay awake medicine." (Don't tell the honor code office.)

As we were passing the feminine products aisles, along comes my ex-boyfriend Bryce pushing a shopping cart with some beautiful brunette by his side. I did the obligatory "Hey!" in an "Oh this is so not awkward to run into you, and I'm thrilled to see you again in such a non-confrontational environment" sort of way.

Then came the, "Has it been long enough that we just say hi or keep walking or are we going to stop and pretend to catch up" moment? He stopped his cart. I stopped my entourage, and so as to not throw off the rhythm of the moment, I placed my right hand up in the air to give him a high five. As our hands were moving toward each other I realized he was actually trying to give me a hug. We ended up looking like one of those renaissance promenade dancers that take two steps in, touch each other's hand, and then take two steps back, only with a jealous female onlooker and a really awkward back story.

Bryce then asked, "So what is this? Are we going to hug? Are we at that point?" So then he made me feel like I was the foolish one to respect his hugging space near a girl who, for all I knew, was his new wife. So I went in for a hug, screaming at my brain to not employ my usual manipulative techniques to intimidate the chick next to him and to get him to flirt with me back. I succeeded at that--and pretty much failed at life after that.

So then Bryce and I made small talk for a few minutes, and I looked over at her to cue him to introduce us. He did. I reached over the cart to shake her hand and asked to repeat her name because clearly it wasn't the embarrassing, bed pan-esque name that Bryce had said. (To protect her identity, I will not reveal her name). But yes, she repeated her name, that allowed me to easily intimidate and destroy her. But I didn't. After my quizzical look she just said, "Oh bed pan, as in short for "Betty Panda." Ok... My mind was trying so hard to focus on the positive that I found the most obvious positive thing about this girl--her lips.

So I did it. Right after, "Nice to meet you," I said, "You have really pretty lips." Oops. That sounds creepy. You better qualify that statement. "I mean, it could just be your lipstick," nope, not the right qualifier, though she did put on a lot of lipstick and it's kind of running off her lips at the top "or it could just be the result of good genes" Oh my gosh, I'm pretty sure I just gave her enough evidence for a restraining order. Look away. Just look away. I resumed conversation with Bryce and then got the heck out of there.

I could go more into detail, but it's just too hard to swallow. Anyway, the moral of this story is... Oh who knows? I obviously don't have the answers.

And because I like posts with pictures but I didn't want poor Bryce (or Bed Pan) to suffer, I will just include a picture of a T-shirt design contest Bryce and I entered once upon a time (and should've won, by the way).



Update: Click here for a picture of infamous Lipgate 2011!