Outta Control

Another deep post. Here goes...

In high school was the first time I learned that I had offended someone close to me. Our coach noticed that another Mormon girl didn't attend early morning seminary, so she was always able to make practice on time. He asked me about it and said, "Aren't all good Mormons supposed to go to seminary?" I answered, "No. The only thing is probably that you have a little harder time getting into BYU if you don't."

Somehow my coach thought it would be funny to go up to this other Mormon girl (who was in my ward and my Laurel's class with me) and say, "Sara said you're not a good Mormon because you don't attend seminary."

You can see how 1) this was completely not what I said, and 2) how that would be completely offensive to the person to whom it was directed. After the damage was done, I tried to repair it by explaining to my coach that that wasn't a funny joke and that he needed to apologize to this girl and let her know that I actually did not say that.

Too late. You know those moments when you just get wedged into your head one idea and hardly anything will change your mind on it? Yeah, I think this is what happened to this girl. She never talked to me again. Ok I take that back. I think I saw her at the temple once right before my mission and she was there for a wedding. I think I got a "Hello."


So this event had a huge, huge impact on my life. See, for weeks, months, and arguably YEARS later, I tried to repair this damage that I felt like I didn't really cause. I saw the hurt, and I saw how valid she was in thinking that it emanated from me. I seriously tried everything: service, cute notes, going through mutual friends, treats, everything. For the first time in my life, I felt like a total utter failure.

But I learned one thing about relationships: SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. And when you come across one of those situations, there's really a two-step process: 1) You do everything in your power at the time to remedy the situation, and 2) You let it go and respect their agency.

I have been repeatedly reminded of this principle over and over again the last three month with many different people. Perhaps that shows my weakness--that I cannot solve my own problems effectively. But you know what? It is what it is. I am me, and I am trying my best and sometimes my best isn't good enough for people.

So for all you whom I have offended, again and again for the rest of my life and forever, I am deeply sorry and would gladly do anything else to try to repair it if I actually knew what more would help. And the fact that I have stopped trying is a sign that I feel there's nothing more I can do and I am on to step 2: I just have to let it go.

I'll wait forever for the other person to use their agency to forgive, forget, and let go of their feelings and be cool with me. But I think I should give them their space and allow them to do that at their own pace and not try to force them to be cool with it.

Seriously, this has been one of the hardest things to learn. I really do love people--I love all people. I guess I just haven't mastered perfectly how to show my love individually. Any ideas or insight is always welcome.

Love, Sara