Embarrassing Moment of the Day

My life is one big embarrassing moment after the next. I like to tell myself that I do it for the sake of comedy, but sometimes things just slip out of my mouth. Perhaps I just have so much practice saying ridiculous things for the sake of a laugh that when it's time to just be normal, I'm already conditioned to be ridiculous.

Moving on...

I went to Smith's with some friends tonight to grab some "stay awake medicine." (Don't tell the honor code office.)

As we were passing the feminine products aisles, along comes my ex-boyfriend Bryce pushing a shopping cart with some beautiful brunette by his side. I did the obligatory "Hey!" in an "Oh this is so not awkward to run into you, and I'm thrilled to see you again in such a non-confrontational environment" sort of way.

Then came the, "Has it been long enough that we just say hi or keep walking or are we going to stop and pretend to catch up" moment? He stopped his cart. I stopped my entourage, and so as to not throw off the rhythm of the moment, I placed my right hand up in the air to give him a high five. As our hands were moving toward each other I realized he was actually trying to give me a hug. We ended up looking like one of those renaissance promenade dancers that take two steps in, touch each other's hand, and then take two steps back, only with a jealous female onlooker and a really awkward back story.

Bryce then asked, "So what is this? Are we going to hug? Are we at that point?" So then he made me feel like I was the foolish one to respect his hugging space near a girl who, for all I knew, was his new wife. So I went in for a hug, screaming at my brain to not employ my usual manipulative techniques to intimidate the chick next to him and to get him to flirt with me back. I succeeded at that--and pretty much failed at life after that.

So then Bryce and I made small talk for a few minutes, and I looked over at her to cue him to introduce us. He did. I reached over the cart to shake her hand and asked to repeat her name because clearly it wasn't the embarrassing, bed pan-esque name that Bryce had said. (To protect her identity, I will not reveal her name). But yes, she repeated her name, that allowed me to easily intimidate and destroy her. But I didn't. After my quizzical look she just said, "Oh bed pan, as in short for "Betty Panda." Ok... My mind was trying so hard to focus on the positive that I found the most obvious positive thing about this girl--her lips.

So I did it. Right after, "Nice to meet you," I said, "You have really pretty lips." Oops. That sounds creepy. You better qualify that statement. "I mean, it could just be your lipstick," nope, not the right qualifier, though she did put on a lot of lipstick and it's kind of running off her lips at the top "or it could just be the result of good genes" Oh my gosh, I'm pretty sure I just gave her enough evidence for a restraining order. Look away. Just look away. I resumed conversation with Bryce and then got the heck out of there.

I could go more into detail, but it's just too hard to swallow. Anyway, the moral of this story is... Oh who knows? I obviously don't have the answers.

And because I like posts with pictures but I didn't want poor Bryce (or Bed Pan) to suffer, I will just include a picture of a T-shirt design contest Bryce and I entered once upon a time (and should've won, by the way).



Update: Click here for a picture of infamous Lipgate 2011!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

My freshman year in college, my roommate Ashley and I posted pictures of our guy friends on our dorm room door and asked passersby to vote for the hottest man for V-day. We got quite a big turnout. We had more than 200 votes and we had somewhere in the ballpark of 30 pictures.

Well this Valentine's Day you only get one. See this Valentine's Day (and the days leading up to it) I've been thinking a lot about love and this person repeatedly entered my mind:

My Mommy.
(I vowed I'd call her Mommy for the rest of my life. But when I got to high school and noticed it wasn't cool, I forced myself to say "Mom." I swear it took a year to transition.)



I've been thinking about my mom not only because of how much I love her but also because she was the first person to teach me love: what is love, how to love, who to love, and everything in between.

My mom met my dad, got engaged, got married, gave birth to a special needs child, and was pregnant with her second all before she turned twenty. She wasn't planning on becoming a mother so young, but she was willing to give up her dreams and educational ambitions because of love. She loved my dad and she loved my oldest sister, Jenny, so she started her longest-running profession: stay-at-home mother and homemaker.

For awhile, my mom took a lot of criticism for bearing any more children after having a special needs child, particularly from her mother-in-law. I could only imagine how discouraging that type of criticism would be to a 20-year old young newlywed mother. Why did she have more kids? I don't know everything, but I know that she loved and adored children. She loved family and wanted to add to hers.

I am so grateful she did because, as child number 6, I would've had no chance at all of having her be my wonderful mother had she given up at 1...or 5 for that matter.

I can relay countless expressions of love from my mom, but a better tribute would be one that people would actually read. So I'll list the highlights.

My mom encouraged me in my talents
When I was 10, I was playing a bunch of Disney songs by ear. I wanted to take piano lessons so badly. My mom saw this determination and paid for me to take private lessons from that time until I graduated high school. When I was 11, the orchestra teachers came to my elementary school to recruit string players. I was fascinated by the violin. I asked my mother if I could play it. She not only allowed me to but also paid for private lessons up until high school as well.

My mom encouraged me in my non-talents.
I was a natural performer from birth. I needed to be the center of attention. While perhaps some in my family tried to squash that need, my mom nourished it. For example, I would come up with synchronized swimming routines in the pool as a kid (by myself, mind you) or interpretive dances to REO Speedwagon songs. She would watch and also encourage others in the family to watch.

She never left me. Ever.
Maybe this isn't healthy now, but I was sure grateful at the time. When I was sick, my mom would always feed me crackers and sprite, stay by my bedside, and rub my hair until I fell asleep. That's a long time! And she would do this all the time. Occasionally she would snuggle me in my bed. And I got very accustomed to afternoon cuddle naps with my mom in her bed (in Kindergarten we only had half-days so it was just me and her at home).

I am a grown woman, and still to this day when I get pretty aggressively ill, the first words out of my mouth are a mindless groan, "Mo-oomm......"

Emotionally, she is wonder woman.
My mom is the most in-touch with her emotions as anyone else in this world. It was always OK to cry in front of her. It was always OK to feel anger, hurt, elation, giddiness, or any emotion. She never judged me for it or made me feel like it was unacceptable. She was just there for me in whatever capacity I needed her. She still is.

She is so feminine and domestic.
My mom is such an example of what a Mormon housewife should be. She has lots of kids, she can cook, she can paint, she can sing, she can play the piano, she can sew. Oh man, and does she ever sew well. I can't even sew a button.

The fact is, among all the things she has done for me, the best of all is that she loved me unconditionally, and in turn, I know how to love.

And I love her!

Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy!

The Hard Choices

Given the choice between eating either almost ripe strawberries for the rest of my life or very ripe avocados, I would choose the avocados.

Peer Pressure is the new black

Accomplishment of the day: Cartwheel on the balance beam.

Brought to you by: Male peer pressure.

Here's the thing. I've been working on a handstand on the high beam forever and ever. I still can't manage to get it perpendicular, but I'm not too worried about it because most my classmates are still only attempting it on the low beam (typical law student--measuring my own accomplishments by how well others are doing).


I should start by saying that after the women's gymnastics class at 9, there is a men's gymnastics class at 10. Our coach lets a few girls stay after and practice as long as it doesn't interfere with the dudes. Well dudes don't do the balance beam so I had it all to myself. Ok, so....

I got bored trying and I asked the coach what other skills we would be required to finally complete on the balance beam by the end of the semester. Cartwheel? Optional. An advanced skill that we could include in our routine but didn't have to.

So I decided that, to mix it up, I would alternate trying a cartwheel on the low beam and trying a handstand on the high beam. (PS--the low beam is not a competitive apparatus; it's just a practice apparatus that helps you feel more comfortable doing the skills on the regular beam). So I started doing cartwheels on the low beam. It's an accomplishment to not only attempt a cartwheel, but to actually land it and not fall off when on the low beam. So after completing it a couple times and getting pretty emphatic cheers from a couple dudes who were around and telling me there's no way they could do it, I decided to head over to the high beam and try a handstand. But the boys who were just watching me and cheering me on said, "Oh man, you're going to try it up there. That's crazy awesome." Or something like that. They thought I was going to do a cartwheel up there.

So I couldn't disappoint the boys, right? So I got up on the scary high beam--not even able to do a 45 degree angle half-A handstand, and I attempted a cartwheel. Nope. Fell off. Tried again. Did it and landed it! Tried again. Nailed it again!

Not to brag or anything, but I'm just kind of proud of myself for being able to do a hard skill that we won't even need by the end of the semester. Yeah whatever, I just need something to overcompensate for my incompetency on the uneven bars.

In other news, I completed probably about 10 standing back handsprings (haven't been able to do those in almost ten years) and one round-off back handspring on the floor. Pretty happy about that, but now I've got killer bruises and my back is totally jacked.

Success.

Anyone want to hold my hand?

My hand...after I finally conquered one uneven bar yesterday:

Celebrate the small things

I am proud of myself for a few very small accomplishments. If I record my progress, I think it will make me try harder and reach my goals faster.


First, I completed three back hip circles without any spotter or assistance in my gymnastics class. They look easier than they really are, I promise you. Most of the girls cannot do it in the class yet. Of the ones that can, many have to still use spotters. Here's what one looks like: Back hip circle

(By the way, my hands and upper quads took quite the beating from repeatedly practicing this. I will upload pictures of my jacked-up hands later; I'll spare you the pictures of my bruised up legs.)

Second, I completed and landed a level handstand on the low beam and had the guts to repeatedly attempt it on the high beam. This is what it's supposed to look like: Handstand.

Last, we watched video clips of each member of the class running. One of BYU's running coaches said I could be an Olympic middle distance runner based on the way I run. I know that won't ever be true, but the good news is 1) I have really good form to run and run fast, and 2) I don't need to buy special running shoes to get good speed, distance, or form. It's built in to my genetics. Thanks Mom and Dad.

18 Strong

I decided to give up sweets--THIS ENTIRE YEAR.

I'm 18 days clean and counting.

It's super insane. I'm not really a sweets-a-holic; I'm just a social sweet-eater. But when you live in Utah, every social event highlights something sweet (seriously Mormons, couldn't we have made "wrapping everything in bacon" our treat of choice?), so I made this a New Year's Resolution so I would consciously avoid sweets.

Can I just tell you how hard this is? I mean, it's pretty hard. Definitely a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have a heightened sense of awareness when I see a picture of a cupcake---or a lamp that looks like a cupcake. Or a chocolate store--or a person whose sweater is "chocolate" brown. Mmmmmm. Yum.

I attempt to satisfy this hunger by: eating cereal, eating peanut butter, and eating lots and lots of carbs. It doesn't help too much, but it at least makes my body not feel so bad. After eating cake, I'd feel so gross. After eating 2 1/2 bowls of frosted flakes, I feel like I can still party.

I just wanted to tell you all that. I saw a cupcake today and asked myself the question Professor Wardle so thoughtfully asked in a book once: "What's the Harm?"

FINAL THOUGHT: Not to get all churchy and stuff, but I think the biggest motivation to keep going is not just because I "promised myself" I'd do it, but because going without sweets gives me the same benefits as fasting. By going without something for a prolonged amount of time, it helps you focus on things that really matter and draw you closer to other better things in your life. You know, like frosted flakes.

WSJ and The Onion...Separated at Birth

Don't get me wrong--I love the Wall Street Journal more than any other newspaper in the world. But today's "most popular stories" looked more like headlines from The Onion than from a reputable news source.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

This year, I have clocked more hours on the phone with the staff of continental.com (including that annoying automated message that repeatedly boasts of the airline's "congress of chefs and sommeliers) than with any and all of my family members combined--and I have 25 family members. Why? Because of their ridiculous change fees. It costs $50 - $150 to change my flight to any other flight but the ones I want. The policy sounds pretty reasonable, but the practical application is almost entirely useless...kind of like reading someone his Miranda rights.

I wish I weren't so pleasant with customer service people. I'm pretty sure if I had complained that would've given me what I wanted. Instead, here am I with a midnight flight to Salt Lake and missing the BEST CLASS IN THE UNIVERSE:: Intro to Music Business.

On that note, I am willing to pay $30 and dinner to anyone in Utah who is willing to video record the lecture for me. (I already have a volunteer who will tape record it for free, but I'd benefit much more from a video recording, even a really shoddy one on an iPhone or camera. Any takers?

YEAR IN REVUE

Sure it's a little late but get over it. I still need to have my postmortum with one of the most interesting years of my life: 2010. You were good to me.

Highlights

* I officially became a groupie and went to more concerts this year than I ever have in other years combined. Among my greatest groupie feats was getting invited back to the hotel with the keyboardist of a national band (don't worry--We only went into the lobby) and having the keyboardist of another band prank call me.

* I underwent two elective procedures on a complete whim--one of which involved a clamp and flaps, the other of which involved a doctor pushing my head back against a kitchen wall and coming at me with a needle while his toddler son ate Little Caesar's pizza three feet away.

* I narrowly escaped kidnapping from a Mexican drug cartel on the U.S./Mexico border during the 4th of July when I went out for a seven-mile jog that went horribly, horribly wrong.

* I biked 10 miles to my boyfriend's house, only to find that another girl had taken my place, the kind of stuff Simon and Garfunkel warned me about. But they didn't warn me that the same girl would start a very public verbal slaughtering of me before leaving the festivities. One of the better memories of 2010, indeed. :)

* I pulled off the greatest April Fool's Day in the world, leading my parents to believe I was marrying an unemployed young boy with no direction, leading a guy I went on a date with to believe I was actually married when we went out, and leading both my ex-boyfriend and my roommate to believe that someone had stolen their cars...leading me to never want to top that April Fool's Day.

* I attended the only university other than BYU: University of Utah, which ended up being a refreshing change of scenery and allowed me to meet some really cool people and learn what it's like to have a separation of church and books.

* I lost one of the best friends I've had in the most epic way possible, while also losing some of the best friends I've ever had in pretty much the same way I've lost them since I was five. The latter wasn't shocking and is pretty much written into the emotional budget plan; the other was so unexpected but so entertaining that it was totally worth it. I think.

* I dated the youngest boy I've ever dated and also took the moral high ground by refusing to kiss him until he went on, and completed, his mission.

* I negotiated my rent for the first time and won big time!

* I completed my first 5K, and my recorded time was 23 minutes and something seconds.

* PROM FIASCO: Probably the most memorable part of my year and quite possibly the best fodder for the next teen angst/drama box office HIT but not quite distant enough to explain via an open, online portal.

2010, I loved you so. How in the world could 2011 compete?

Future... what the heck do you want from me????